Hodgkin lymfoom…..stories untold

So last Friday I received a message from my mother whom I haven’t spoke to in 4 and a half  year. (For grounded reasons!)
She started with how awful she feels that we are on non speaking terms and that she thinks about me a lot and misses me much…
(Well if so…She could have done some effort in trying to fix the relationship)
But anyway it continues with that their is a lot of drama in the family and that she wanted me to know what is going on…
My Grandfather is in the hospital and he doesn’t have much time to live…
If I wanted to talk about it I could call her…

After reading this I just didn’t know what to do….
The relationship between me and her is… well to say at least pretty awful there aren’t real words I could use of how I feel about her and the situation…
And the relationship with my grandfather…well i’ts pretty much the same as my relationship with her….

Do I care?? Does it makes me feel anything?? I’m still not sure..
No honestly I could care less if he dies that man has never been a real grandfather to me…
he never was interested in how I was doing…. never a postcard on birthdays…Or when I graduated some proud words…He never even came to come and look at my house when I was living on my own…None of it…

But why I’m I so shook up about this news…
When I was A baby he took me in for a year so my mother could get clean from all different kind of drugs…
but that is really the only thing he has done for me in my life and i’m thankful for that don’t get me wrong… but even that decision wasn’t probably even made by him but by my precious aunt Ank (May she rest in peace)

Would I want to go to the funeral?? Or do I want to see him while he is still alive??
I don’t even know what is wrong with him…Maybe my mother is lying about the situation in order to get me back in her life… like the time she did lying about Alzheimer she supposedly had

So I set my pride aside and called her….and of course again she makes it all about her
And still somehow still doesn’t see it’s her own fault we are not in touch…Again blaming me for being stubborn and whatever… (really you still can’t see why??)
after a lot of her crying about it all I finally knew what is wrong with my grandfather
he has Hodgkin lymfoom cancer…stage 4…
So it could be a matter of days…

Do I want to see him??  do I have anything to say to him??
The times I have seen him in my life I can count….and trust me that isn’t a lot…
He is a very cold insensitive arrogant man…
But if I don’t… would I regret it??
This is my last change to see him alive… talk to him…

Maybe he has Changed… see the flaws which he has lived by…
He even called for a Rabbi…to what?? to confess his sins??
Does he know the hurt he caused in peoples life’s…

It is a big decision I have to make …and it’s mine alone I can take….
It’s a hard one….maybe even a wrong one…
I know I have to make it quick cause their isn’t much time left…
Why can’t things in life be just simple…
I have been struggling in life with so many things….some even harder then the other…

They say when life gives you lemons make lemonade…
But Please stop trowing lemons at me i’m really really sick of them…

Again whatever decision I make it’s mine alone…
So don’t judge… you are not living my life….
You don’t feel what I feel…
You haven’t been through the things I have been through…
It’s mine and mine alone…

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