NKOTB Cruise 2017, Cherry on top.

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Last year I went to go and full fill one of my dreams.  A cruise with NKOTB. Yes you read that right ;).  I had the time of my life.
I went on that cruise because earlier that year I had a health scare and figured I need to live life more instead of Life living me.
I wanted to do the New Kids on the Block cruise since forever so I just booked I didn’t know how to pay for it and if it would be a good idea for seeing how I felt.
I just went and go for it,  I had trouble with my anxiety and I said hey you only live once so enjoy, honestly it was the best decision I ever made.
When I landed and took a cab and went to the hotel it felt like coming home.
Like I was meant to be there it felt so familiar during the whole vacation.
I have never ever felt so good in my life ever before.
I had so much energy everything felt so good I can’t even remember the last time I felt so good and I kind of felt euphoric in some places even more than I could ever put into words.
I honestly cried when I had to leave and I just didn’t want to go and at that last day it finally clicked my depression was back. I had struggled it before and at that time I even was suicidal.

But why was it back again I mean I have everything going right for me.
I have a good job, I have a great house which I bought in 2008 all by myself, I have wonderful friends so why would I be depressed???
Unfortunately depression isn’t about what you have and what you have not it’s a feeling deep inside of you that something is broken. For being strong for so long that at some point you just break.
My depression started when I lost one of my best friends she died of heart failure kidney failure due to being diabetic.
I just broke and couldn’t handle it, it hurt so much.
There where a lot of thing in my life that didn’t go as expected.
Being born with a drug addiction at 7 months an abusive childhood emotional en physical, Bullying at school but I survived all that I changed it in something positive.
The people who I loved gone by illness or murder.
But losing her was just that last push that put me over the edge. I just broke and had no one to put me back together again.

I had regrets because I’ve never told her how much I loved her she was my best friend. We had so many fun times together parties, dancing, going out for dinner, wonderful great talks and then life happened I started working more and had less and less time for the people who I love.
So one week past not seeing her and then 3 and 4 weeks pas by.
Before you know it it’s too late and you cannot tell her you love her or give her a hug and tell her how much you appreciate her……

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I remember the day my best friend Jernas called me and told me she died I remember it word by word.
I remember the feeling I had and I even how I reacted, but it’s getting harder and harder to remember her voice,  her smell,  her laugh…..
But him calling me with the news…..that’s like it just happened five minutes ago for me.
That phone call changed me it was the last straw.
I locked myself up in my house closed all curtains,  I didn’t eat or shower for days I had a scissor on my wrist ready to cut them.
Because it was all too much she left us without saying goodbye without me telling her how much I loved or appreciated her.

I always thought that she would outlive us,  she had some heart attacks and she survived them prior.
She was done with this world she went to better place without any hurt she went to place which was filled with love at that time I couldn’t see it.
My mum literally saved my life by coming to visit because she hadn’t heard from me in a couple of days when she came in she saw how dark my house was and it smelled.
She literally pulled me out of the bed and put me in the shower and watched me to get dressed and drag me out of the house to come eat with her and watched me carefully.
If she wouldn’t have done that I wouldn’t be here today it was the most horrific time of my life.
I still have some bad days and I will never be the same again luckily I’m not suicidal anymore but my mind still wonders of.
So when I smile don’t think I’m not fighting my demons, depression is not something you see on the outside.
When I don’t take you BS, when I’m too honest for your truth, when i’m too much for you, when I hug you or say that I love you too much….. know that it’s comes from a place that I don’t want any regrets… Life is too short.

I thought I was doing OK until that vacation last year so me it was really an Awakening the last day of my vacation there on Halloween I knew I wasn’t happy and something had to change.
When I got back everything just fell in place I knew what was wrong,  It was an awakening from that day on I start working on myself again to seek the help I needed.
I’m getting in touch with myself and it’s getting better more and more everyday.
Being busy with my spirituality trying workshops, reading etc.
I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be yet, but I’m doing really good and even though sometimes when I do a step forward I feel I take two steps back, but that’s OK too.
Baby steps are also just fine I’m getting more and more in touch with my feelings.

What I feel from the inside is why I believe this trip it’s going to be something special probably a cherry on top.
I’m going to enjoy this so much I don’t believe it just happened, it happened for a reason because we’re doing the same strip and almost the same exact time to the same exact place where I felt so good last year.

I want to thank the people who will join me this year.
This year is going to be even more special, please be aware that even me smiling there is still a lot of stuff going on behind that and that is totally OK so before you judge try to understand that a smile it’s not always a smile take some effort to look beyond.
Taking them by the hand to go eat pizza or dance on stage or just go for a small walk It could be life-changing.
So for everyone who is joining me on the cruise this year dance with me, laugh with me, eat with me and do crazy stuff with me.
Because life is too short enjoy do not have any regrets!
Say what you think! Don’t take shit from nobody!
Don’t Hold Back! Don’t care what other people think or do!
This is your life it’s our lives we can do the hell we want!
Let go have fun!

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My brothers big day

My Dearest Brother,

So I hear congratulations are in order.
I wasn’t sure there where just rumors at first…
But my mom told me it was real… you are married now and even became a Father.
She had found his number and called that Monster that ‘Raised’ us.

I felt numerous things…I was happy, my little brother is becoming a man.
Becoming a husband to what I hope it would be to the Love of his life.
Becoming a father for what I hope it will change your life in something good.
I don’t know… because i wasn’t even aware of this..

But also I felt a lot of hurt…I wasn’t even invited on what is supposed to be your biggest day.
A day where family celebrate the love of two people being united.
I was fine with it I mean a day like this is your day.
You are the one who is in charge… you are the one who decides to be a part of that special day.

But then I heard you invited that Monster… and not us the people that really love you and have your best interest at heart…Your mother… your sisters…
No you decided to invite him the man who ruined us …who broke us…
The man who physically abused us  and broke us down mentally believing we are not worth a penny.
Did you forget what he did to us?? what still has effect on us sometimes??
The daily reminder I have when I walk too much on a day because of the scar tissue in my knees???
You know when back in the day he would kick me in the back and I fell down hard on my knees on the pavement… remember that??
Or when he dragged me by my hair down the stairs to give me a beating with his fists?
The bruises healed just fine in the end… but the emotional scars stayed for so long.
We haven’t even discussed the mental abuse…on how he would talk to me that is wan’t worth anything…how I was a whore…a stupid little bitch and these words where the kindest…

You should cherish a child… push them to greatness…but at 16 I was literally broken by all the abuse… I couldn’t take it no more…
And then they just put me out of the house when I finally had the courage to fight back.
I remember the whole ordeal like it happend just yesterday…
You where still so young…you where there crying in a corner begging us to stop…

I finally broke free…
How I missed being your sister! because me being free ment I couldn’t have contact with you guys.
It hurt so much from me seeing en raising you for so long to not seeing you at all.
The first 3 years of your life it was me changing your diapers… it was me feeding you..it was me raising you.
But also this is something you wouldn’t remember because you where so young…

I was torn what should I have done… me being finally free means the abuse will turn to another child in the family… I wasn’t there any more to get the beating….
He turned to you and our sisters…
I knew it… but what was I supposed to do??
I was just a kid myself …trying to live this life…

Then my mom finally had the courage too… to leave him..
And to go to court to make sure you where also safe…
I just wished she had done it sooner things could have been so different…

It looked like things where changing for the better…for all of us..
But then all of a sudden… you changed…started hanging out with the wrong crowed..
Stopping school… making bad decisions… choosing a wrong path..
Started being in contact again with him that Psychopathic monster that he is…
And I know you know that he is! Remember when you said he broke your stepbrother with all the beating?  what he did with your sisters.. with me?
Remember when mom took him to court??

Then how could you choose him over us??
Are you afraid? Or are you ashamed of us that we life in a western way?
What is it? I will probably never know the answers to that…
But that is ok …do what you need to do…I will always love you.
I forgive you because you need to be a really strong person to raise above that all.
I do hope you understand and know how much you have hurt me.
I still love you! that will never change! But for now there will be no room for you in my life… I need to take care of me… Your decisions hurt us..

I do hope you honestly have found the love of your life.
And you have a wonderful great life together, filled with love, health and luck.
I hope you becoming a father will change you to be a better man.
To understand you have a child that needs protection from this world.
That you will raise them right with lots of love and push them to greatness.
I hope you never let your child to be with that Psychopath even if it would just be a small visit.
I do hope you changed for the better…
I hope you understand even with the love I have for you little brother…
I hope all the best for you in the world….إن شاء الله

Good bye!

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Samsung Mobile NL Reaction on open letter part 2

Samsung Mobile NL My Nicole,

I’ll be honest with you. Through all the ups and downs, I didn’t treat you like you were supposed to be treated. Even though I tried, it didn’t compare to the effort you put in.

Now I’m thinking to myself.. why? Why didn’t I realize that you’re the one. You’re the one that deserves the best that I can offer.

Therefore, I apologize for all the wrongs and ask you to give me one last chance. I promise that I will do my best for you. Because without you, my life wouldn’t be complete.

Hopefully you give me this last chance, so I can prove my real love to you and show you that I’m your true ride or die.

^Samsung

See he loves me back 😉
What wonderful adventures we will have 😀

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Open letter to Samsung part 2

WHAAAATTT!!!??? OMG!! REALLYY???? IS IT FINALLY COMING??!! I screamed this morning.
It was my first reaction when I woke up…I was wide awake and that barely happens when my alarm goes off. Because you wrote me an email…
Could it be??!!  I need to win this! Are you really going to mend my broken hart??!!
(Read my previous open letter to Samsung to understand Click here)

Samsung you truly broke my heart last year. It was hard I really didn’t know what to do.
I had multiple discussions with my friends, family and co-workers.
They didn’t believe in you any more and called me a fool for stil loving you….
I gave you chance upon chance…and I told them; really guys you got to trust me he is going to make up for it on my Birthday jan 5th on CES 2017 I know it!… and you didn’t…
And they laughed at me again…and I told them again; Trust me guys he is going to make up for it at Mobile World Congress in February…and you didn’t…again…
I was ridiculed by my friends….you are hurt me soooo bad…:(
And still I stood up for you and promised my friends… no really this time for sure in April!!…and you failed me again….
You had me waiting for sooo long and honestly I was almost about to cheat on you…

I’m going on vacation in October and I need a good supporter.
A partner in crime to help me find all the local good spots. To make some memories and great pictures so I will never forget…
Yes I have got to admit I was about to cheat on you… I’m sorry… but come on you kept me waiting for almost a year!

I already told you I cannot manage that long anymore….
It’s getting old…Kept freezing… and the battery wouldn’t last more that 5 hours…
Yes sure you wrote me a letter back…but still no answers… (Click here to see what you wrote)
You suggested I maybe could go for an S7 edge…I already told you that isn’t an option

You truly broke my heart…and I kept defending you over and over to my friends, family and co-workers…. even to strangers! I stood by you!
So please let this announcement be a Note8! Better yet… Let me win it.
To prove you love me back!
Cause I’ve been fighting for this relationship for soooo long.
Doesn’t that deserve something? Me having your back over and over…
I’m your Ride or Die chick!

I’m Counting down the days….I still believe in us!

 

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Torn

Today is a day that I will always have a heavy heart…
The day that I miss you the most…
The day that you decided it was enough…
The day you left us with so many questions…
The day that should have been a joyous one…
The day my brother is celebrating his birth…
The day that I am torn…

Should we celebrate…
Should we laugh…
Should we have fun…

I want to…but this day is torn…
I want to smile…but I can’t…
I want to say happy Birthday to my brother without feeling bad…
Without this feeling of guilt…pain and misery…

We still miss you…
They say time heals all wounds…but it doesn’t…
My heart is still torn…with no way to fix it…
Already seven years have passed…
Seven years without my step father…

I miss you…
the only comfort there is…I know you are at peace…
Watching over us…
I love you!

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