Last year I went to go and full fill one of my dreams. A cruise with NKOTB. Yes you read that right ;). I had the time of my life.
I went on that cruise because earlier that year I had a health scare and figured I need to live life more instead of Life living me.
I wanted to do the New Kids on the Block cruise since forever so I just booked I didn’t know how to pay for it and if it would be a good idea for seeing how I felt.
I just went and go for it, I had trouble with my anxiety and I said hey you only live once so enjoy, honestly it was the best decision I ever made.
When I landed and took a cab and went to the hotel it felt like coming home.
Like I was meant to be there it felt so familiar during the whole vacation.
I have never ever felt so good in my life ever before.
I had so much energy everything felt so good I can’t even remember the last time I felt so good and I kind of felt euphoric in some places even more than I could ever put into words.
I honestly cried when I had to leave and I just didn’t want to go and at that last day it finally clicked my depression was back. I had struggled it before and at that time I even was suicidal.
But why was it back again I mean I have everything going right for me.
I have a good job, I have a great house which I bought in 2008 all by myself, I have wonderful friends so why would I be depressed???
Unfortunately depression isn’t about what you have and what you have not it’s a feeling deep inside of you that something is broken. For being strong for so long that at some point you just break.
My depression started when I lost one of my best friends she died of heart failure kidney failure due to being diabetic.
I just broke and couldn’t handle it, it hurt so much.
There where a lot of thing in my life that didn’t go as expected.
Being born with a drug addiction at 7 months an abusive childhood emotional en physical, Bullying at school but I survived all that I changed it in something positive.
The people who I loved gone by illness or murder.
But losing her was just that last push that put me over the edge. I just broke and had no one to put me back together again.
I had regrets because I’ve never told her how much I loved her she was my best friend. We had so many fun times together parties, dancing, going out for dinner, wonderful great talks and then life happened I started working more and had less and less time for the people who I love.
So one week past not seeing her and then 3 and 4 weeks pas by.
Before you know it it’s too late and you cannot tell her you love her or give her a hug and tell her how much you appreciate her……
I remember the day my best friend Jernas called me and told me she died I remember it word by word.
I remember the feeling I had and I even how I reacted, but it’s getting harder and harder to remember her voice, her smell, her laugh…..
But him calling me with the news…..that’s like it just happened five minutes ago for me.
That phone call changed me it was the last straw.
I locked myself up in my house closed all curtains, I didn’t eat or shower for days I had a scissor on my wrist ready to cut them.
Because it was all too much she left us without saying goodbye without me telling her how much I loved or appreciated her.
I always thought that she would outlive us, she had some heart attacks and she survived them prior.
She was done with this world she went to better place without any hurt she went to place which was filled with love at that time I couldn’t see it.
My mum literally saved my life by coming to visit because she hadn’t heard from me in a couple of days when she came in she saw how dark my house was and it smelled.
She literally pulled me out of the bed and put me in the shower and watched me to get dressed and drag me out of the house to come eat with her and watched me carefully.
If she wouldn’t have done that I wouldn’t be here today it was the most horrific time of my life.
I still have some bad days and I will never be the same again luckily I’m not suicidal anymore but my mind still wonders of.
So when I smile don’t think I’m not fighting my demons, depression is not something you see on the outside.
When I don’t take you BS, when I’m too honest for your truth, when i’m too much for you, when I hug you or say that I love you too much….. know that it’s comes from a place that I don’t want any regrets… Life is too short.
I thought I was doing OK until that vacation last year so me it was really an Awakening the last day of my vacation there on Halloween I knew I wasn’t happy and something had to change.
When I got back everything just fell in place I knew what was wrong, It was an awakening from that day on I start working on myself again to seek the help I needed.
I’m getting in touch with myself and it’s getting better more and more everyday.
Being busy with my spirituality trying workshops, reading etc.
I’m not sure where I’m supposed to be yet, but I’m doing really good and even though sometimes when I do a step forward I feel I take two steps back, but that’s OK too.
Baby steps are also just fine I’m getting more and more in touch with my feelings.
What I feel from the inside is why I believe this trip it’s going to be something special probably a cherry on top.
I’m going to enjoy this so much I don’t believe it just happened, it happened for a reason because we’re doing the same strip and almost the same exact time to the same exact place where I felt so good last year.
I want to thank the people who will join me this year.
This year is going to be even more special, please be aware that even me smiling there is still a lot of stuff going on behind that and that is totally OK so before you judge try to understand that a smile it’s not always a smile take some effort to look beyond.
Taking them by the hand to go eat pizza or dance on stage or just go for a small walk It could be life-changing.
So for everyone who is joining me on the cruise this year dance with me, laugh with me, eat with me and do crazy stuff with me.
Because life is too short enjoy do not have any regrets!
Say what you think! Don’t take shit from nobody!
Don’t Hold Back! Don’t care what other people think or do!
This is your life it’s our lives we can do the hell we want!
Let go have fun!